So, the past week has been pretty tough. Last Thursday I was getting ready for work and went to reach for something on the headboard and just felt a sudden pain in my neck. I thought I just stretched too far or something but it wouldn’t go away. I sat at the end of the bed trying to see if I could work out the pain by rolling my head around and back and forth but it just hurt! Now, I’m not really a sissy when it comes to pain either – I can take it. I’ve got 3 tattoos and haven’t cried for any of them. I know, I haven’t been through childbirth or broken any bones but I’ve had my share of pain. Apparently my husband could tell something wasn’t right because he asked me what was wrong. Normally he doesn’t say much because he sleeps while I get ready in the morning. I told him my neck hurt and explained what happened. He said I might have pulled a muscle. I tried to continue getting ready for work but the pain was unbearable that I eventually sat back on the bed and started crying! I didn’t want to miss work but there was no way I could drive myself and he suggested I go to the doctor.
So, I reluctantly called in and then made an appt with the dr. His work is pretty flexible so he took me and she just said yeah you probably pulled the muscle. They gave me a shot in my hip, ouch! Which then also made my leg hurt. She also prescribed a muscle relaxer and said to take ibuprofen and put ice on it then the next day heat. Joe did have a meeting that morning so he had to rush back to work and I just went ahead and went with him since home was out of the way. I sat at this desk and played solitaire while waiting on the medication to kick in. It apparently did! His coworkers which are also some of our friends thought I was pretty goofy. Anyways, after his meeting we went and grabbed some lunch and he took me back home where I took more medicine then fell asleep on the couch. Needless to say my healthy eating and exercising all went out the window!
It took about 4 days before I finally started feeling better. Which also means for those days I did not go to the gym and I didn’t eat very well either and when I checked my weight one day I had gained 3lbs, ugh!!! On Monday I did start back to eating better – being at work helps so much because I’m on more of a schedule. Then Tuesday Joe and I took the dog for a walk because it was so nice outside. On Wednesday I went to the gym after work but my brother and his girlfriend wanted to have dinner so we went out to eat. That certainly didn’t help me any.
I know the only person to blame is myself? I don’t blame anyone else for making me go out to eat or pick the wrong kind of foods to eat. But, it’s been rough trying to eat better when it’s so easy to go get fast food or enjoy a restaurants food. I want to eat better for my health’s sake and to help me lose weight so I can enjoy life again. I miss water skiing and tubing or just generally being outside. I’ve gotten so lazy.
Today is hard for me emotionally for some reason (no it’s not PMS). I was fine really until lunch. I read an article about a woman who saved hundreds of young women from trafficking and realized how lame my life is. I haven’t accomplished anything in 28 years. I never finished college. I’m fat and lazy. I try to think of one feature that I love on my body but I just can’t find one. I really don’t know why I’m even writing a blog because I know nobody is reading it. I feel like if I leave my husband maybe he would be happier. He could find a woman that really makes him happy. Because most days I don’t feel like I do at all. I feel like he would rather have someone that could be his maid, chef and porn star but none of those are me – so why would he still be with me? I love him so much but one thing I will not compromise is who I am. If he can’t accept me for me then maybe he should move on….


I had a dream about him the other night. It’s been on my mind for the last couple of days because I just don’t know what it means. Maybe nothing but maybe more…

We were at the most beautiful place. It was like a rock quarry that divers go to and dive to sunken buses or whatever. But it was the clearest blue water you’ve ever seen. It was just a hole of water with a wall of rock surrounding us. Joe and I were swimming in the water when another woman came up and pulled him away. But I held on to him because I didn’t want him to go. She said something to him and he turned to me and repeated “what are you, my mother?” and I let him go. They started making out right there in front of me. I was heartbroken. He acted like I wasn’t even there and that he never cared for me. There was this tall rock tower in the middle of the quarry and I climbed to the top of it. I could still see them down there and they didn’t even notice me because they were obviously too busy. Another guy jumped off right before me and went feet first into the water but when he came up he said you don’t have time to slow down before hitting bottom. I’m sure if it wasn’t really a dream it would have broken his legs or killed him. But, I still wanted to jump…head first…and that’s when I woke up.

I really don’t know if dreams actually have meaning or not. But for some reason this one is really sticking with me and may be why I’m feeling so depressed the last few days. Does anyone have any thoughts about the meaning of dreams?? Another interesting note is that the woman was someone that we knew in high school. He has talked with her off and on since high school through myspace or yahoo messenger but not sure if they’ve talked in a while….